Friday, January 30, 2009

pensioners in gas meter scam

"Can I please see your most recent bill, sir ?"

Door to door tea-leafs looking to inveigle their way into the homes of the elderly, beware. Alerted to a bogus meter reader, this fragile OAP reaches inside his cardigan pocket for a well-oiled 9mm Parabellum.

Recent statistics suggest that as many as four in ten pensioners are suspected intravenous users. Police advise waiting until they are on the nod - generally anytime between the Trisha Goddard Show and Countdown - before even considering catching one off guard.

According to PC James R. Sneake, a community liaison officer for the Glasgow South-Side Division, there is an alarming trend for the elderly to seek out narcotics in a salacious attempt to hibernate through the winter months.

"Too impoverished to adequately heat their homes, " PC Sneake informed us, "a lot of those old bastards will shoot up virtually anything just to blot out the cold."

The trend is expected to worsen in line with the current economic downturn.

"Who knows when the situation will stabilize," he continued. "Some of these f@ckers are even turning to prostitution in a bid to finance their habit. It would certainly appear they have no shame."

Visibly disgusted, he added:

"In my day, a bottle of Jamieson's and half a brick of shortbread was considered quite adequate. But not now. They seem determined to chase the illegitimate, non-taxable high. Who knows where it will end ? I never once imagined I might live to say this, but I consider myself fortunate that both my parents are dead."

Producerd by Craig Leon and Tommy Erdelyi.
Recorded at Plaza Sound, Radio City Music Hall, NYC.

With a tip of the trilby to Doc 40. And a pinch of salt.

RAMONES: YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE OPENED THAT DOOR (DEMO) from "Ramones" CD Remaster (Sire / Rhino 2 x CD) 1976 / 2001 (US)



Ramone666 said...

Non-taxable´s the word.

davyh said...

That's two words though actually.

Ramone666 said...

Don´t get clever with me, young man.

Löst Jimmy said...

Parabellum is always a word I have liked

ib said...

Me, too, Löst Jimmy; there was a great science fiction short story from the 1960s titled "My Gun is a 9mm Parabellum" from a paperback collection I once had. Sadly, I don't recall the author... and a quick internet search yielded nothing.

ib said...

I can find a reference to the title: it was actually "The Luger Is a 9mm Automatic Handgun with a Parabellum Action". I think it was in a New Worlds collection from 1968 or 9.

Still can't find the author. Very Harlan Ellison, but grittier.

The cover was gold and black, I seem to recall.


New Worlds #188, March 1969 &
Best SF Stories from New World 1970
(ed. Michael Moorcock)

The Luger is a 9mm Automatic Handgun with a Parabellum Action by J.J. Mundis (Jerrold James Mundis)

Man, I'm not even awake yet & yer wracking me brain.

ib said...

Ah! Thank you. It was driving me crazy.

A fine story, and as fine an anthology. I don't think I read it until '74 or '75, but I coveted it for years.